Early skin-to-skin physical affection of children by both mothers and fathers wires the child’s brain with the ability to cope in a socially and emotionally healthy and adaptive manner with stress and distressed emotions, leading to stable behavior. Receiving skin-to-skin nurturance stimulates bonding hormones and healthy neurochemistry, and it wires organs in the limbic system that are responsible for emotional and behavioral regulation and healthy fight-flight-or-freeze reactions. The right hemisphere of the brain, which is involved with attachment and bonding, emotional intelligence, perception of facial cues, and interpreting threat cues, is also wired through parent-child skin-to-skin nurturing.
Bruce Perry (2001) explains:
“Scientists believe the most important factor in creating attachment is positive physical contact (e.g., hugging, holding, and rocking). It should be no surprise that holding, gazing, smiling, kissing, singing, and laughing all cause specific neurochemical activities in the brain. These neurochemical activities lead to normal organization of brain systems that are responsible for attachment.” (p. 4)
When they are little and pre-teens, healthy boys seek to adhere to their parents, craving their physical nurturance like little kittens. For mental health stability, the adolescent boy also needs physical nurturance from both parents, albeit with evolving physical boundary shifts. The adolescent boy still longs to snuggle, flop around on the parent, horseplay, and play wrestle, but due to his developing body and hormones, he will initiate this less frequently and with less intensity over time. He may be most comfortable with wrestling, shoulder massage, and brief hugs at this stage. It is a red flag when a boy of any age is either suddenly or chronically rejecting of physical nurturance (tactilely defensive), or, as a sudden or chronic pattern, cannot seem to get enough physical connection in the pre-teen and adolescent years (sensory craving). These behaviors signal distress, attachment disruption, psychological trauma, or a sensory processing disorder.
Sadly, research and my own clinical observation have found that while most industrialized children do not receive even a fraction of the physical nurturance that they need developmentally, both mothers and fathers provide remarkably less physical affection and skin-to-skin nurturance to boys than to girls. As boys grow older, both parents tend to initiate progressive physical distance from their sons, often cutting off kissing, snuggling, holding, and rocking by early adolescence—and even well before. When the parents are uncomfortable with physical nurturance and affection, often due to their own lack of it from their mothers and fathers, this sends a message to boys that they are unlovable and that there is something aversive about their bodies. This can lead to feelings of rejection, longing, anger, rage, numbness, and depression, and it can manifest in risky behaviors such as addictions, self-denial, self-harm, aggression, and early and promiscuous sexual activity.
It is crucial to healthy holistic development that your son receives an abundance of physical nurturance. The most important way to begin this physically nurturing relationship is through full-term breastfeeding (until the baby or toddler weans on his own), co-sleeping, immediate response to cries, and constant baby-wearing and carrying. As your son gets older, snuggling, caressing, holding, rocking, and comforting him are crucial, regardless of his age. Young boys also love to be carried up high on dad’s shoulders, or piggy-backed around by mom. Young, pre-teen, and adolescent boys alike love to initiate horseplay with their parents—using dad as a jungle gym or having pillow fights with mom! There is perhaps nothing more exciting for a boy than dad tossing him from his shoulders through the air into the lake, or mom and sons diving under a sleeping bag together while telling spooky stories by flashlight in a tent! For adolescent boys, nothing could be more comforting than being held solidly in the arms of one or both parents during moments of sadness, anxiety, fear, or worry, and being kissed on the head and reassured. Not only does physical nurturance wire your son’s brain and neurochemistry for mental health, he is naturally learning through you how to nurture others who will come into his life—including his own children.
References
Perry, B. D. (2001). Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children: Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood. The ChildTrauma Academy Caregiver Education Series V 3.0, 1(4). http://www.healing-arts.org/tir/perry_bonding_and_attachment_in_maltreated_children.pdf
Gerhardt, S. (2004). Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain. Routledge.
Couture, L. A. (2023). Nurturing and Empowering Our Sons: Healing the Wounds of an Anti-Boy Culture by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended. Seacoast Press/MindStir Media. https://laurieacouture.com/products/
Schore, A.N. (2001). The Effects of Early Relational Trauma on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation, and Infant Mental Health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
Montagu, A. (1986). Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin (Third Edition). Perennial Library.
Laurie A. Couture serves as a member of The Boys Initiative’s Board of Advisors.